I know you are going through an identity crisis right now. You must feel like I have robbed you of everything, but honestly I haven’t. Please let me explain and lets talk this out.
Two years ago you must have felt like putting that IUD in was like putting shackles on your reproduction. I know that bringing a child or children into this world is magical, and one of the most amazing life experiences that only women get to have. Please know that this IUD was not to take this away from you. It was to free you. IUD’s are not forever. They do take out the element of surprise. I know I have confused you even more by entertaining fantasies of still getting pregnant while having the IUD. I am sorry, it’s just my imagination and lack of self awareness in knowing what I want and my fear of making a decision.
We went through a lot of work and pain for this IUD. I want it to serve its purpose and I want it to feel like freedom, not a prison. The IUD is so we can enjoy this relationship with Jason and have sex anytime, anywhere, anyway! Its meant so there is no accidents or surprises. To protect from having to go through any extra hormones, an abortion, or plan b. Its suppose to take away the stress of it all. To leave the decision making for another place and another time.
I know that having a partner who doesn’t want to think about having children for another 10 years is hard. It makes me feel very alone in this hard decision process as well. But at the end of it I know that it will be my choice no matter what I decide. Maybe its better that it's mine only to make. Ten years from now would be too late. It would be a time when society has deemed your organs obsolete. I know that’s sad and confusing and frustrating. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
A lot can happen in lets say, the next 3 – 5 years. This is a time frame that has always felt like a safe place to make real decisions. Also knowing that anything is possible beyond that but, I would rather not gamble and be more realistic at this point in time. I don't want to put you through that uncertainty or stress. If it happens I want it to be naturally.
But right now the truth is, I don’t want children. For one, I am not ready. I would be interested in asking myself when I have my money, career and my body in a place where I feel like I have reached greater heights. Getting to that place motivates me even more because I am curious to how I will feel and what I will learn. Second, I enjoy my lifestyle. I have no plans in slowing down. I want to continue to travel and shoot and go from place to place with little to no plans. That is difficult when you have a child and right now I can't imagine living any differently.
I know it gets confusing with how much my heart melts when I am around children. Truth is, I love children. Their ideas, little voices, fearlessness, open hearts, and sense of wonder. Just being with them brings up so much emotion. But that child does not have to be mine. It can be my siblings, nieces, friends or even a strangers while traveling. Children bring me joy, but it doesn’t mean they have to be my children.
I know I am dealing with a lot of guilt about not wanting to have children as well as peer pressure. A lot of people I know, even my little sister, are already on their second child. Facebook is flooded with photos everyday. I feel like I have been left behind. I feel like I was suppose to do something, and I didn’t do it. I feel left out at times but actually I am not. Most of the time I am really thankful I don’t have a child and I am making fun of their boring lives.
Vagina, I want to give you permission to be healthy and feel useful in a fulfilling life that has nothing to do with giving birth to a child. I know that I can have an amazing life and not have children. I understand that I will be missing out on a certain experience but I also know the other experiences I can have will be different, but equivalent.
Your purpose is very important. You are part of my health. You are part of my womanhood, you are part of my sexuality.
I must apologize because you must feel like I have robbed a bit of your sexuality away from you. At first I took away a lot of my sexual attraction because I was healing a broken heart and I was afraid of breaking hearts. I was just a little lost on what I wanted to attract and didn’t trust myself with some past decisions. Please know, I have learned from those experiences. I am no longer afraid of my decisions. I trust myself and I am looking forward to being attracting. Mentally I closed off because I wanted to be faithful and committed to Jason, But I have recently realized that I can be faithful and committed and still have sexually open energy. In fact, it is really important for me to feel sexy and attractive. I look forward to giving this back to us.
I know where I stand, what I want and the way I want it to be. So please forgive me. Lets have some fun.